My First Counselling Experience

Ella writes first-hand about her first counselling experience and the benefits she has encountered.

-Ella Garrett

Ever had someone read you like a book? One that is ‘well-thumbed’, loved and read over and over until you almost know it off by heart?  That is pretty much how I felt after my first counselling session last week.

I was nervous. I had no idea what to expect; if I was going to be thought of as ‘well enough’ to not require a chat with a professional and whether I would find opening up to a stranger easy. These concerns weren’t massively far off. One of the first questions I was asked was whether I was “successful” last year. This threw me. I have seen many people who are academically successful suffer mentally – I would go so far to even suggest that sometimes the more academically successful you are, the more you are likely to have a mental health problem.

After this hurdle I was increasingly nervous about what was to come. This first meeting was an initial assessment, so it ultimately resulted in me providing her with a summary, rather than a synopsis, of my life. She provided brief interjections, pressed me for more information on difficult topics to discuss and went down the typical ‘counsellor’ type routes of questioning. Did my parents neglect me too much or love me too much? Did I have a strong support network? What did I want from counselling? I had no hobbies, so had I tried yoga? 

Although I was slightly unimpressed with my lack of epiphany over the usual assessment questions, the session seemed to simultaneously provide clarity as well as completely scrambling my brain on things that I have held close to me my whole life. Where I had considered myself a ‘closed book’, hard to read, and mysterious about how I felt; this woman stomped all over that belief and summarised me very easily. Well, so much for that Bond style mystery! For starters, she immediately realised that I struggled with developing a balance in life, on many aspects, something that I had never connected myself. What previously had felt like doing a dot-to-dot without any knowledge of numbers soon linked up into creating a clear picture – not the best analogy but you get my drift. 

After the session, and being booked in for another in 2 weeks’ time, I could only describe the scenario as very sobering. Things that I have never discussed with the closest of friends and family, due to either lack of trust or fear of judgement, were freely discussed in a 35-minute discussion. I felt like I basically gave up my whole personality to assessment in such a short time, which is what felt weird. It is undeniable that she made me feel better about certain things. She confirmed that parts of my life, past and present, were not how they should be, and that I wasn’t wrong or troubled for feeling a certain way. But just the concept of someone knowing everything about me is kind of terrifying.

I think it is definitely very easy to disregard counselling, turn to medication or ignore a problem and allow it to continue to be detrimental to your wellbeing. Medication was not effective for me and letting something gnaw away very quickly became too much. I know of friends who are scared to speak to someone, maybe the fears of trust and judgement that I mentioned fuels this for others too, but it’s just not the case. I already feel like I will make real progress here. I would recommend counselling to anyone who needs to talk openly about what’s going on in their mind.

If you or somebody you know is struggling with mental health at University, check out the Student Minds page on finding support for further information here.

Hi, I'm Ella. I'm currently in my third year at the University of York where I am studying English Literature and Philosophy. In my first year, I was diagnosed with Atypical Depression and have made it a personal mission ever since to encourage discussion and raise awareness around the subject - leading to my desire to write for Student Minds!

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Am I stressed or is this just part of my personality now?

Elise writes about managing the stress that university life brings for stress-awareness week

- Elise Jackson

University is majorly stressful, I doubt anyone’s disputing that. Exams, deadlines, social pressures: one is enough to make your stomach turn, let alone all at once. But yay, that’s what uni is! You gotta take it in your stride, right? 

Well, yes, actually. Kind of. 

Hear me out here because I know it’s not the most comforting thing. Suck it up and get on with it? Seems a pretty regressive way of managing your problems. However, stress is different to the problems that probably led you here. Acute stress and chronic stress are completely different, biologically and functionally. Acute stress is the kind you feel when your boss yells at you or when you talk to a crush. This stress is triggered by one of two neurological pathways, leading to the ‘fight or flight’ response. The sympathomedullary pathway (I know right) triggers those familiar bodily responses by releasing adrenaline and noradrenaline: your heart rate increases to get blood pumping to your muscles (so you can run away); you sweat (so you’re slippery to predators); and you need to throw-up/pee (to expel water-weight so you can run quicker). However, these are short-lived. Once the stressor disappears – or more accurately, you’ve reached safety – so do the symptoms. Your parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and renormalises everything. This is, in a weird roundabout way, the ‘nice’ kind of stress. 

Kiecolt-Glazer’s (1984) studies with medical students show that, whilst the symptoms seem unending, their stress often proved to be a kind of prolonged acute stress that disappeared after exams. So, what does this mean? Well, with university, deadlines are always around the corner. Depending on your subject, you might feel like you’re being constantly assessed. And, to an extent, this is true (and unavoidable). University is intentionally challenging. Whilst stress sucks, adrenaline can be useful: it keeps you alert and buzzing so you can get more done – like an internal coffee machine. It’s a physiological reaction, so, it’s best utilised to your advantage. Top tip for when stress does disappear: cortisol, the hormone that levels you back out after a stressful experience, is an immunosuppressant, so you may get ill. Like my advice with most things mental health – remember to look after your body! 

But, what if stress doesn’t go away? Chronic stress is slightly more troublesome. Whilst acute stress can last for a long time, it disappears once the situation stabilises. Chronic stress can last months, even years, detrimentally affecting health. Studies show heightened coronary heart disease, chronic headaches, and mental illness in chronically-stressed individuals. A good way to identify potential chronic stress: think about your last submission of a big assignment. Did you feel relieved? Were you calmer or did that dread feeling not budge? Don’t worry if it didn’t, as there are ways to manage this. There’s the usual, exercise (swimming has been proven particularly effective as it helps to regulate breathing without being too intense) and eating well. Peppermint tea is great for an uneasy stomach; chamomile tells your brain to calm down; and I don’t know what’s in Pukka’s Night Time tea but it legitimately knocks me out every time! Mindfulness is essential – start with yoga or guided meditation sessions.

However, if you think you’re chronically stressed, please seek help. It may seem like some people are never stressed, but I promise, no student is a stranger to it. Personality differences often manifest in stress-management skills; but, talking to friends can help you to feel less alone and overwhelmed and may even give you new perspectives. You can explore professional avenues: hardiness training and stress-inoculation treatments - forms of cognitive behavioural therapy - prove effective with chronic sufferers. Most universities, alongside Student Minds, run workshops on managing stress-induced symptoms. Importantly, remember: this isn’t forever. I know I’m guilty of falling into the ‘Am I stressed or is this just part of my personality now?’ trap. You aren’t your stress; it isn’t inherent to you. Combining healthy living, mindfulness, and a good community will help you feel better eventually, if not right now. 

Oh, and chocolate releases dopamine, the happy drug. So, eat chocolate!

Hello! I'm Elise. I'm currently in my final year studying English Language and Literature at the University of Nottingham. My writings for Student Minds will range from pieces about depression and DPD to coping with loss, bereavement and change during your studies - all the while remaining mindful and getting the most out of university life. Thanks for reading!

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Over-attaching and Fears of Abandonment

Fiona shares her experience of over-attaching to people in her life, and gives advice on how to deal with this in a healthy way.

- Fiona Perriss

“Don’t leave me”

“Everyone always abandons me; they all leave eventually”

“People always get sick of me, it must be my fault”

“I need you”

These thoughts go round in my head on a daily basis. I don’t know why. All I know is that I seem to have this intense fear that everyone around me will leave and I’ll be abandoned.

Believe me, I wish I didn’t become so attached to people to the point where I pin all my self-worth on them. It’s exhausting. I wind up idolising one specific individual, I want to be their favourite, I get jealous when I see them talking to other people. If I message them and they don’t reply instantly, I start thinking that I’m annoying them and that they’re ignoring me on purpose. Of course, this is probably not the case, but I still take it personally. I obsess and I cling on to them. They become my go-to person for when I’m upset, or when I’m having a panic attack. I don’t go to my friends or family and I can’t seem to self-soothe, even after having built up a list of coping strategies through countless therapy sessions. It has to be this one person.

I can’t figure out why this only happens with certain people. I just feel it happening and warn myself “oh, be careful now, it’s happening again, you’re getting too attached”. I cling to anyone that shows any inkling of kindness towards me - teachers, guidance counsellors, tutors, doctors, therapists. I know how much pressure I put on the other person. Then the guilt, the depression and the anxiety come in. It’s like a never-ending spiral. And then I become too much for that person. I put all my problems onto them. I can feel it building up, and then I ultimately explode and spit out all my problems and fears and insecurities. Then they leave and I’m alone and I’m left with all my problems and fears and insecurities, but worse. Their leaving hits me like a train. Deep down, I know they don’t mean to hurt me. But I do take it to heart and the abandonment thoughts start to creep in. It hurts. It really hurts.

What suggestions do I have for anyone who recognises these things in themselves or in people around them? Well, if you know someone who has similar behaviours, please be patient with them. Choose your words carefully, because a throwaway comment that might not mean much to you can cause a lot of damage. Be consistent; if you’ve said you will meet them or call them at a certain time, stick to it.  People like me can be very sensitive to sudden changes of plans. Please don’t make fun of or belittle the situation, and don’t turn around and say “why are you so obsessed with that person?” Chances are we know we are being irrational/clingy/obsessive, but we can’t always help it.

If you’ve put someone on a pedestal, I strongly believe that honesty is the best policy. Tell them you sometimes feel you get too attached, and encourage them to talk about their feelings about the situation. If they’re a genuinely nice person, they will hopefully have some level of understanding and empathy. From my experience, those who freak out and leave aren’t the sort of people you want in your life anyway.

Also, it doesn’t have to be such a negative thing! You feel a connection with that person because you think they’re awesome! Another key point to remember is that people leave: they move away, get new jobs and may not stay in your life forever, however much you want them to. You are not a bad person, and they are not leaving because of you, despite what you may feel. Yes, attachment and feelings of abandonment are hard. But you WILL get through it (cheesy as it sounds!)

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The Fear of Relapse

Erin writes about the reality of relapses, and how they can actually be used to change your outlook on life.

- Erin Cadden

Relapsing, it’s a frightening one to comprehend. You don’t think it is possible at a time when things are good. After my last relapse, I didn’t think I could fall as low as I did, again.

One year ago, on May 1st, I had an episode in which I was hospitalised in a mental health facility. This was a turning point for me - a time when I knew I had to seek professional, long-term help.

I’ve struggled for the past 10 years or so with my mental health and my recovery is still ongoing. But only in the past year, after the relapse in May, have I been taking the right steps towards it. While it’s been a difficult journey, it’s also been life changing. I’ve participated in group therapy, private CBT, talking therapy, and hypnotherapy, as well as mentoring and reading self-help books, all to get to know how my brain works.

So I thought I was in a good, healthy place. I’d have my down days from time to time, but I sought comfort from friends and family in order to pull through. But this latest relapse was different.

About a week ago, feelings that haven’t surfaced for a long time came flooding back and my brain, at the time, didn’t seem strong enough to handle it. I tried to end my own life. The police were called and my mum drove over 40 minutes to my rescue. It’s upsetting, knowing that as I type this I feel remorse for that person who came so close to ending her suffering, because that was not the same Erin that is typing this today.

What’s scary about dark thoughts is that they can consume you. They can block out everything that is going on around you and can hone in on the negatives in your brain. At my time of despair, strangers surrounded me trying to help, but all I could hear were my own thoughts. I wish at that point in time, someone could have removed the dark cloud that was overshadowing me, because only then would I have been able to see the bright blue sky.

The greatest realisation from my recent relapse was that no one can help you as much as yourself. There was something inside of me that was determined not to let my self-destructive mind win. I have so much potential, ambition and determination for life. But in that split second, it could have all been lost. I’m not deceived; I know I’m still in recovery and may be for a long time. My journey has not finished yet. But I’m fighting that voice telling me to stay in bed, to ring in sick to work and to not face contact with society.

We need to realise the world is much greater than just our minds. What we’re told by our brains is just a spec in comparison to the extraordinary potential in the world. We can pull through at dark times, and while there’s no guarantee they won’t return again, each time we get stronger. Each time we learn a little more about how our brains work, and each time, recovery from painful relapses is that little bit easier. I’ve realised that ending pain and ending a life are two separate things. When the dark thoughts consume you, it might seem that ending a life is the only way to end the pain. This is not the case. There are many ways to relieve the pain of all mental illnesses. You just need to make that first step to getting help.

It’s important not to get caught up in the negative stigma surrounding mental health. I am not afraid nor embarrassed of it. No two brains are alike; people cope with and handle life in different ways, and this goes for treatment too. Some need a little more support, be that medication, mental health professionals or a simple shoulder to cry on.

Your mental health is a part of who you are. This isn’t always an easy thing to comprehend. After my relapses, I learnt that this mind, my mind, is what I’d been dealt with in life. I could either resist and live my life in pain, or accept and love myself. I am not resisting and fearing relapse. I am growing with it.

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Counselled to Counsellor: A Postgraduate student with OCD

Beth (memyselfnmentalhealth.wordpress.com) shares her personal mental health journey, and how she is managing her illness alongside embarking on a postgraduate course.

-Beth Hopkins

So, my name is Beth. 

On paper, I’m a 22 year old Psychology Graduate with a lovely boyfriend and a supportive family. I spend about 90% of the time in fleecy PJ bottoms, have very high maintenance eyebrows and am an absolute cake addict. However, what many people don’t know about me is that I face a daily battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and anxiety. 

For those of you who don’t know, OCD is an anxiety disorder made up of obsessional thoughts. These obsessional thoughts cause the individual to carry out compulsions in an attempt to reduce the uneasy feeling. For example, with myself, I have a constant dread something awful is going to happen. When this unwelcome and, quite frankly, terrifying thought pops into my head, I find it far too difficult to just ignore. My brain tricks me into thinking if I don’t want this awful thing to happen, I must complete a routine to prevent it. It seems irrational even writing this down but the OCD makes it seem so real. 

In my final year of university, the anxiety became too much for me to cope with. It spiralled into depression and I faced a really difficult few months. I find it fascinating when people can recall their experiences with depression through blog posts and autobiographies etc because I really cannot reflect nor can I vividly remember my own. When I look back on this period of my life, I see an empty, dark tunnel where time crept by slowly. Until, I eventually did find the exit. 

It is my recovery from depression that I can remember. My family were the ones who encouraged me to seek help which I am so grateful for. At a time I wasn’t present myself, they were there to recognise this. I ended up being prescribed medication (sertraline) and received regular counselling, both of which helped me immensely. However, I do still have good and bad days. I don’t think my OCD will ever completely go, it’s something that will forever accompany me through life. But I’m still pushing on and I will not let it stop me. So take that. 

It feels that now is the right time for me to begin to share my experiences about how I have dealt with mental health being such a massive part of my life. The help I have received for both depression and OCD has driven me to help others who are also struggling and I hope that I will be able to do that through continuing to share and write about my experiences. Alongside this, I have recently been accepted onto a Counselling Psychology masters which has started this week (eek!). 

I hope to use my own personal blog, as well as my writing in general to share my journey of being an individual who has, and still does, receive help for their mental health difficulties to becoming a qualified Counsellor myself. I want to share my experience in the hope that other students also beginning an academic journey of sorts, who also have their own mental health problems, can relate and feel less alone. 

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The trap of not feeling "good enough"

Margot, founder of YourMind, writes about how "not feeling good enough" is something many people go through, and explains how eventually, it can become manageable.

-Margot

The feeling of not being “good enough” is a feeling that I know well. It’s like an old friend that I know is bad for me but am too afraid to push away. Once in a while, it pays a visit - uninvited - and sits in my stomach, giving me that feeling of helplessness and laughing at my dreams of success. 

In the past, I would think to myself: “Yes, it’s uncomfortable and painful. But it’s been around for so long, how do I get rid of it now?”. I would struggle with it for days on end making myself miserable until I would get good feedback from someone, recognition for something that I had done; only then would it would evaporate. Of course, the fact that I relied on external validation to make the feeling go away meant that I was completely at its mercy. It was impossible to tell how long it would last.

The peak of my inability to deal with this feeling came during my Master’s year. I had applied to an MSc at a top university to test myself: in my mind, this would be the ultimate proof of whether I was “good enough” and, if I got in, would once and for all settle this gnawing feeling. I got accepted to the MSc but, needless to say, this didn’t help. Quite the contrary.

From the first day of the MSc, I started thinking that the admissions board had made a mistake. I was sure that someday I would be called into an office and told that there had been an “unfortunate mix-up”, and that I was not supposed to be on the course. With each difficult test or coursework, I became more convinced that I was the least clever person in my class and that everyone knew my secret: I was an impostor.

I started to believe that grades were the ultimate test of my intelligence. However, this was a trap. It didn’t matter that I did well in tests or graduated above my classmates: I kept telling myself that this didn’t prove anything, and that I probably had to work a lot more than my peers to achieve similar results. I reached the end of the year feeling completely drained. I felt like for the past year I had been running a marathon in which the end line kept getting further and further. I decided that I did not want to enter working life in this way and started seeing a therapist who helped me to develop healthier thinking habits.

These days, I am much better at taking control of my feelings. This isn’t to say that my old friend “not feeling good enough” never pays a visit, but it does mean that when it arrives, most of the time I am able to acknowledge it, greet it and live with it without making my life miserable. It eventually gets bored of me not giving it attention and goes away. I won’t lie and say that this change in attitude came easily: it didn’t. It required significant work on myself to change my thinking habits and at times the process seemed useless. However, it was worth it. 

Through working on myself I started telling people around me how I felt and realised that many people feel the same. I started seeing more and more people around me falling in the “not feeling good enough” trap that I knew so well and decided that if I could learn to avoid it then others could too. I was lucky enough to grow up in an open family with whom I could be open about my feelings, and that I was able to get therapy. I know very well that these are luxuries that many people unfortunately don’t have access to: seeing a therapist is expensive, time consuming and embarrassing for most people - so we don’t want to do it.

I began to wonder how these hurdles could be overcome and decided to set up YourMind, a platform to improve mental wellbeing through easy to implement tips and Skype sessions with highly qualified therapists. Skype sessions with therapists are highly effective and significantly more affordable than face-to-face therapy. I hope that with YourMind more people will have the opportunity of learning to be kinder to themselves and improve their mental wellbeing.

Building YourMind has not been easy and my old friend “not feeling good enough” visits on a regular basis. Some days I am better equipped to let it sit there alone while I get on with my life whereas others I fall back into old habits of engaging with it and end up feeling terrible. However, I know that habits aren’t changed overnight, so I keep working on it. 

You may be thinking that none of this applies to you and that you feel completely adequate. In that case, great! However, take a minute to think about whether there are other feelings or thoughts that affect your mental well-being. If there are, I encourage you to be mindful of them and speak to a friend or a professional - it can make a huge difference to your overall state of being. I’m not saying it will happen overnight, but it could make a bigger difference to your life than you expect…

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Writing to Recovery

Elliot writes about how poetry and creative writing can help ease stress and anxiety and offers some tips for anyone wishing to start their own creative writing journey

-Elliot

Parents Evening for Art was always the same: Elliot tries hard but cannot seem to communicate this in her final piece. In fact, the relief was almost audible when I said I would not be taking Art G.C.S.E. I would never have described myself as arty, let alone creative.

So when my therapist suggested writing therapy, I was sceptical. How would keeping a diary help? I started, if only to say ‘I told you so’ when it did not work. And yet, as I wrote, I found myself addressing emotions and events in my life I had ignored or denied for years. I could finally keep track of my mood and review my progress as the months wore on. It also has helped to read my last diary entry just before a therapy session to focus on what has been on my mind that week.

Then I discovered poetry. A new world opened up to me. The brilliant thing about poetry is you do not have to be William Blake for it to help you. It is a snapshot of your thoughts at a particular time. Free verse, haiku, gazhal – it is up to you how you express yourself best. Above all, it is therapeutic to write it out. In addition, you will discover a new community of mental health poets. Ready to inspire and comfort you in equal measure. Anyone is welcome in this community.

As a student, we are used to writing for an academic end. Essays, lab reports, assignments. Rarely, however, do we write for the sake of writing. When we do write with no academic goal or deadline, we can unearth what our subconscious is really thinking. Spare time when you are a student is highly valued, but writing to help with recovery need not take up a lot of time. There are small exercises you can try, which might make a big difference to your mental wellbeing. 

Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Write out a list of emotions you feel. You could even generate a word cloud using an online tool here.
• If you suffer from psychosis, try writing out what the voices are saying
• Write a letter to someone who has caused you distress in your life explaining how they have made you feel (although you do not have to send it!)
• Keep a diary, maybe start by writing one sentence a day of how you feel
• Write a short story based on your experiences
• Compose a poem in whatever form you like – feel free to express yourself!

When my mental health is poor, I feel like my mind is filled with dark clouds. Writing is the rain. It is an active process of reducing the size of the clouds, and getting rid of some of them entirely. No matter whether you are the next Shakespeare or you are not creative at all, I hope you will join me in writing to recovery.

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