Hitting “rock-bottom” and how to get back up

Michael shares his story of experiencing mental health issues.

- Michael Rigby

I guess my mental health concern came throughout childhood. I was just another one of those kids who would be treated differently due to being overweight. My first problem came when I was in my last year of secondary school. The stress of my exams was just one factor that caused a lot of stress in my life at the time. My focus was also on losing as much weight as I could and I achieved that. However, I ended up making myself very ill. The real issue that really effected me during this time was that I completely messed up my exams. The exams that were supposed to open doors to the future. My stress and anxiety levels had created me to be very weak and I just couldn't concentrate.

Two years of college, enrolled onto a course that wasn't my first choice. I wasn't satisfied with the position that I had got myself in. However, I felt my choices were limited. I felt that I had failed myself and that I was still being punished. I use to sit there in the classroom thinking about the time I messed up my exams and what caused me to lead to that extreme. I would often interact with others on the same course and I did make friends. However, this wasn't what I worked hard for. I felt my potential was never shown to others. My mind was always in a different place and people wouldn't even recognise that I was suffering, “suffering in silence”. I completed the two-years with ease and achieved top grades. However, that was still not good enough for me.

The Two-Years Of Quitting- The worst two years of my life came within my time at college. My mind would always take over me in any situation. Whether it was learning to drive, socialising with friends or whilst at the gym. I just wasn't interested in anything I loved to do. I quit driving because I couldn't concentrate and I felt it was unsafe to keep learning. My friends would ask me to do something and I would make up an excuse. The gym, this is a place where I always enjoyed going, I quit my membership. These were just three things I quit during that time. I ended up staying in my bedroom staring at the ceiling whilst getting stressed about anything. I still didn't want to talk about it.

It's Time To Talk- My time to talk came in the last few months of college. My parents were worried about me so they had contacted my college tutor for help. I was given an appointment to see the college counsellor, I told her everything. I went from feeling I had a weight on my back too feeling calm for a while. I realised it was good to talk about things. She understood everything and put her time into helping me. In some ways counselling did help me. However, I also found that I was strong enough to get back up from, “hitting rock-bottom”. Sometimes, I would still get confused because I'm very good at helping others rather than myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that. My first step to getting back up, was signing up for the gym again. And I've been attending ever since. My advice on the way to get back up is to take a “step by step” regime. Gradually restart your passions that you always loved or start new interests. It's your choice and don't let anybody stop you.

I'm currently a University student in London. Over the past year I took some time out for a gap-year and a break from education. I feel it's the best decision I've ever made. It's vital that everyone, “takes a moment”. Give yourself time to rebuild and create a solid mind for the future. Take my advise, KEEP ON GOING! DON’T GIVE UP!

Hi, I'm Michael Rigby and I study Sports Business and Broadcasting at UCFB Wembley. I have experienced a mental illness such as; depression/social anxiety since the age of 14.

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Over-attaching and Fears of Abandonment

Fiona shares her experience of over-attaching to people in her life, and gives advice on how to deal with this in a healthy way.

- Fiona Perriss

“Don’t leave me”

“Everyone always abandons me; they all leave eventually”

“People always get sick of me, it must be my fault”

“I need you”

These thoughts go round in my head on a daily basis. I don’t know why. All I know is that I seem to have this intense fear that everyone around me will leave and I’ll be abandoned.

Believe me, I wish I didn’t become so attached to people to the point where I pin all my self-worth on them. It’s exhausting. I wind up idolising one specific individual, I want to be their favourite, I get jealous when I see them talking to other people. If I message them and they don’t reply instantly, I start thinking that I’m annoying them and that they’re ignoring me on purpose. Of course, this is probably not the case, but I still take it personally. I obsess and I cling on to them. They become my go-to person for when I’m upset, or when I’m having a panic attack. I don’t go to my friends or family and I can’t seem to self-soothe, even after having built up a list of coping strategies through countless therapy sessions. It has to be this one person.

I can’t figure out why this only happens with certain people. I just feel it happening and warn myself “oh, be careful now, it’s happening again, you’re getting too attached”. I cling to anyone that shows any inkling of kindness towards me - teachers, guidance counsellors, tutors, doctors, therapists. I know how much pressure I put on the other person. Then the guilt, the depression and the anxiety come in. It’s like a never-ending spiral. And then I become too much for that person. I put all my problems onto them. I can feel it building up, and then I ultimately explode and spit out all my problems and fears and insecurities. Then they leave and I’m alone and I’m left with all my problems and fears and insecurities, but worse. Their leaving hits me like a train. Deep down, I know they don’t mean to hurt me. But I do take it to heart and the abandonment thoughts start to creep in. It hurts. It really hurts.

What suggestions do I have for anyone who recognises these things in themselves or in people around them? Well, if you know someone who has similar behaviours, please be patient with them. Choose your words carefully, because a throwaway comment that might not mean much to you can cause a lot of damage. Be consistent; if you’ve said you will meet them or call them at a certain time, stick to it.  People like me can be very sensitive to sudden changes of plans. Please don’t make fun of or belittle the situation, and don’t turn around and say “why are you so obsessed with that person?” Chances are we know we are being irrational/clingy/obsessive, but we can’t always help it.

If you’ve put someone on a pedestal, I strongly believe that honesty is the best policy. Tell them you sometimes feel you get too attached, and encourage them to talk about their feelings about the situation. If they’re a genuinely nice person, they will hopefully have some level of understanding and empathy. From my experience, those who freak out and leave aren’t the sort of people you want in your life anyway.

Also, it doesn’t have to be such a negative thing! You feel a connection with that person because you think they’re awesome! Another key point to remember is that people leave: they move away, get new jobs and may not stay in your life forever, however much you want them to. You are not a bad person, and they are not leaving because of you, despite what you may feel. Yes, attachment and feelings of abandonment are hard. But you WILL get through it (cheesy as it sounds!)

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Coping with Anxiety at University

Jasmine talks about her battle with anxiety whilst at University

                                                                                                                               -Jasmine

I am a very anxious person and occasionally, when things get too much – say I get a bad grade or deadlines are piling up I’m prone to having a bit of a breakdown. Yes, I did consider this as a con when deciding to move away from home for University, but at the end of the day, my love for trying new things and the University that I chose overcame these cons. 

I’m relatively independent; I like alone time and I’ve never been one of those people that has to rely on their parents 24/7, so during the first month of University my anxiety never really got the best of me. However, when my required reading started piling up and I began getting grades back and realising the extent of how hard University can be, I then realised how far away from home I really was. Breakdowns aren’t a new experience for me, between GCSE’s and A Levels and the surge of hormones you’re gifted with during adolescence, I’ve had more of them then I can count, but usually I have my support system around me to calm me down. Back at home I could go to my mum for a hug, or meet up with my friends for a relaxed outing to distract me from my thoughts. However, being in a new place, I didn’t think I was close enough to anyone yet to reveal the “anxious mess” that I could occasionally become.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d made friends and I wasn’t alone at all, but we’d only known each other for a few weeks and I didn’t feel it was appropriate so show up at someone’s door crying and asking for a hug and some support. However, late one evening, after a horrible day consisting of dealing with a panic attack alone in my room, I decided to join everyone for a night out and take my mind off things. It’s University, I’ve been out a lot, but going out on this night in particular is probably one of the best things I could have done. On the way to the club I started getting into an emotional (granted, slightly alcohol fuelled) conversation with a girl from my halls about how rough my week had been only to have her turn around and tell me she’s experienced the same thing so many times! Words can’t describe how much of a relief it was having somebody tell me they understood what I was going through and were there for me. To this day whenever I’m feeling low or stressed I know I can go to her for a hug and a hot chocolate and she knows that she can do the same, and it’s made dealing with University away from home so much easier.

I cannot stress how important having some sort of support system is. Feeling alone whilst anxious or stressed is a horrible feeling, and it will only get worse if you feel the need to hide your anxiety and stress from people. I’m not saying that you should shout it from the rooftops and load your problems onto every single person that you meet, but you’d be surprised how much sharing your issues could help you in the long run. Now, having completed my first term at University, I would say I have 5 to 6 people that I know I could go to in tears, free of judgement and have them listen and help me, and it’s such a reassuring feeling. None of that could have happened if I hadn’t felt like I could share my issues with those around me.

University is tough. You’re away from home and courses are difficult, it’s okay to have the occasional panic or down day, but my advice to you is to build yourself a support system. It could be one person, or it could be 20 people – it’s different for everybody but make sure that you have someone! Trust me, it can make all the difference.

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Why going to a LGBT-friendly university was so important for my mental health

A Student Minds volunteer writes about her experience of coming out at university, and the importance of finding support that works for you. 

Going to university

I came out to friends just before I went to university and luckily most of them were really supportive - many of them had already guessed anyway. I had told my mum, though she didn’t quite believe me yet and was uncomfortable about the whole thing. As for my dad, making jokes about gay people was one of his pastimes, so I was far too scared to tell him. In a way I was happy to leave home so I could be the person I wanted to be without those pressures.

Meeting people who made me feel comfortable

In my first few terms of university it was actually quite difficult to know when I should tell people I was gay. I still felt a little uneasy and wanted people to get to know me for who I was before I got labelled as a lesbian. It was awkward when I was trying to make friends, especially when I got invited to a girly films and pizza night. Everyone was talking about the guys they fancied in the college. I felt so out of place and isolated because I thought I’d shock the room to a halt if I started talking about the women I liked. But soon enough I found people I did want to be friends with. The course mate that hit on me during fresher’s week became my best mate and I got involved with the LGBT group and made friends through their socials. Pretty soon everyone just sort of knew. In time, I lost the feeling that I needed to explain myself to everyone I met and just let people guess through the pronouns I used and the stories I told.

Going back home to family was challenging

The hardest bit was going back home for the holidays, and knowing whether or not to tell family I had a girlfriend or whether she might even be able to visit. I had a couple of girlfriends at uni and both of their parents were really welcoming. But this made me feel guilty and upset that my mum was more awkward and I couldn’t introduce them to my dad. My mum did let me have girlfriends stay, and even tried to talk to them for a bit, but it was incredibly tense and I knew it would have been completely different if it was a boyfriend I was bringing home. I eventually told my dad too, and the way he reacted I would never want to have introduced him to a girlfriend.

Feeling unaccepted by my parents was one of the major stresses (among others) which contributed to me having a number of breakdowns. There was self harm, suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behaviour, and constantly telling myself I was a “selfish arsehole”. I drank myself through university, and used sex and alcohol to legitimise myself.

But this year things started to get better. I went to counselling and realised I needed to talk to my parents. As I became more comfortable in myself I grew the confidence to talk to them and tell my parents how their actions made me feel. It turned out they were actually both quite ashamed about how they reacted and it took a series of conversations and most importantly timeto clear the air. Now I can talk to my parents about girlfriends or LGBT related things and it feels okay. This year my mum even got involved in Pride and I would now be quite happy to introduce someone to my dad should the time come.

LGBT-friendly university settings are important

I’m not going to lie: There is still discrimination about being LGBT. People occasionally shout at you in the street. People might ask you to stop kissing your partner because they think it’s more important they’re not offended than for you to exercise your human rights. But university was generally a supportive and liberal environment for me to come out in, and that was so important. I was surrounded by like-minded people and friends who I could vent to and even laugh about any injustices that still sadly exist. And it was this which gave me the confidence to be myself, to be comfortable enough with who I am to have those much needed conversations with family or friends back home. And these supportive networks still exist after university; the movement to reduce stigma around LGBT issues is an inspiring thing to be a part of, and becomes a support in itself.

I have written this anonymously for my parents' sake because they have really have worked to challenge their initial prejudices over the years. ​

At Student Minds we recognise that the student LGBTQ+ community can be under-represented at times and may be at risk of experiencing mental health difficulties at university. 

If you would like to find out more, or find further support you can find more on our LGBTQ+ webpage.

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My Journey with Depression

Lottie discusses her personal mental health journey, and how depression affected her time as a student.

-Lottie Thomas

To understand a person’s experience with depression you need to understand their circumstances. Everyone’s struggle is different and they find different ways to deal with it.

My journey began with my transition to uni (which was always going to be a hard one as home is such a great place for me). First year was a struggle for me but I was so happy to have completed it and was excited for my second year to begin. My depression crept up on me without me realising it, I got homesick a lot in first year so when I experienced the same feelings again I just thought I would get over it. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone to my mum telling her how much I hated my room and how noisy our neighbours were. I felt like I had nowhere I could relax and I was always on alert for something to happen. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling; I thought ‘other people have it worse than I do so I should just suck it up and get on with it’. 

Simultaneously to this, my twin sister had just started first year at university after a gap year and was really struggling. When I wasn't on the phone to my mum I was texting or answering phone calls from her and I felt like I was being pulled in all sorts of directions. Eventually I got the phone call to say that my sister had decided to leave uni and this was the first chink to my armour. Knowing my sister was at home and I was struggling on, 4 hours away, made everything so much harder.

When I was home for Christmas I was so happy, but soon I started revision for my exams in January and I started to feel the pressure again. Second year exams contributed towards our final degree mark so I felt extra pressure to get it right.

I was worried about going back to uni, and didn't think I would be able to cope with exams but I kept these feelings to myself. The turning point for me came on Christmas day when I woke up with this deep misery inside me. I couldn't stop being angry with myself for being so selfish during such a happy time of year and I couldn't understand why I couldn't snap out of it and be grateful for what I had. Before we even finished unwrapping presents I made my excuses and escaped upstairs, lay on my bed and burst into tears. My sister and mum found me and I finally told them how I was feeling. My mum reassured me that this was something we could deal with and that she would book an appointment at the doctors, however, because we were going on holiday the next day it wouldn't be for a while. 

The next two weeks were the toughest I have ever lived through. I cried every day and continued to worry about my exams and returning to uni. I started looking into dropping out of uni and my thoughts got darker and darker. I spent most days in bed and when I did get up it felt like I was dragging around this heaviness that I couldn't shift. Feelings of worthlessness began to creep into my subconscious and I became increasingly withdrawn from everything and everyone around me and suicidal thoughts began to rear their ugly head.

What happened after the holiday is a bit hazy. I got in contact with my university and they granted me mitigating circumstances so I missed my exams and took weeks after that to recuperate at home. Following an initial doctor’s appointment, which I pretty much cried my way through, I was sent to see a psychiatrist who eventually diagnosed me with having depression and anxiety. I was placed on anti-depressants and had several sessions of cognitive-behavioural therapy.  It took me 10 weeks to get back to uni and after a hard internal struggle I managed to complete second year.

Living with depression is in no way easy, but learning to deal with it can change everything. This is my journey with depression, and everyone's is different but all I can say to those going through anything be it depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue, do not live through it silently. Plucking up the courage to admit what you may be feeling is so hard but it is a huge first step and the most important. Just know you are not alone and will not be judged for how you feel. 

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Top tips for supporting a friend with an eating disorder

Chloe provides some top tips on how to be a supportive friend to someone going through the difficulties of an eating disorder.

- Chloe Murray

I have never had a friend going through an eating disorder. However, I have been that friend and I know what it’s like to have people worrying about you and trying to help. Here are some top tips for those of you with friends who are experiencing the difficulties of an eating disorder.

1. Make sure your friend knows that you're always there for them, no matter what.
They might not want to talk about their feelings but just knowing that you're supporting them is the best help there is!

2. Your friend might say things they don't mean.
They might distance themselves from you and not make an effort. In the depths of an eating disorder, nothing else matters other than getting thinner. Please be patient with them, it’s hard for them to be rational and to distinguish between their own thoughts and the thoughts of their eating disorder. 

3. Your friend might lie about what they have or haven't eaten which can be frustrating.
They are only following the strict rules of their eating disorder and at times, for them, it can seem like lying is the easiest option. You have to understand that this isn't your friend talking, this is their eating disorder, which makes them do or say things they don't want to.

4. Try not to threaten them into eating.
My friends always used to threaten to "tell the teachers" if I ever skipped lunch at school in an attempt to make me eat. This just pushed me further away from them, leaving me feeling alone and unloved. At the end of the day it is down the sufferer to get better and the first step for them is wanting recovery.

5. Keep persevering. Please keep inviting them out. It can be frustrating if an invitation always gets declined. Your friend may find social activities difficult, especially if they involve food. It can be hard for them to escape their "comfort zone" and venture out from a routine in which they feel safe in. Don't give up! Your friend will probably feel guilty and left out for missing out on any social events and will hope to be included in future. 

6. Don't treat them differently.
Your friend is not defined by their eating disorder. Although it may try to mask his/her former personality, they are still the same person they used to be. Recovering from an eating disorder is all about finding other things, other than losing weight that make you happy. You can help your friend realise all the other wonderful things in life that are worth fighting for!

7. Set a good example.
Try not to talk about weight/calories/food or exercise. It is easy for someone with an eating disorder to feel guilty. They often compare themselves to others and if they feel that eating more/exercising less than others that will cause excessive guilt and perhaps become jealous of you.

I'm sure it can be so hard to support a friend going through an eating disorder and I can assure you that it is so extremely difficult for them too. I was lucky enough to have a huge support network cheering me on in my recovery and it helps a great deal! I can honestly say, without my friends and family encouraging me and inspiring me daily, putting up with my tantrums and being patient with me, I'd still be consumed by anorexia. Recovery is possible, but it takes more than just the sufferer to fight!

For more information on how to find support, click here.

For more information on how to support a friend going through a metal health issue, click here.

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Mental Health and Freshers

Leanne discusses how sometimes, moving away and being in a new city alone can be overwhelming, and offers advice on how to overcome these feelings as well as appropriate sources to contact if you are struggling.

-Leanne Hall

Going to university is supposed to be the best time of your life. But for some people, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I know that first hand. It can be scary, lonely and all together daunting. Eight out of ten students (78%) have experienced mental health issues according to a study by NUS, it’s time to speak up about it.

I first came to university when I was 18 and I left after two seemingly long and treacherous weeks. Looking back, I knew I wasn’t ready for university, but as so many people do, I decided to go based on what other people said. The prospect of having to meet new people wasn’t exciting it was terrifying. I had no idea what I was doing, I had no money (which was a worry in itself). This lead me to spend every night dragging my uncontrollable body to the bathroom in an attempt to vomit all of my anxiety up. 

It got to the point for me where I wasn’t just having severe panic attacks on my own, but even at university. There were a lot of contributing factors as to why I was in such a dark place and I won’t bore you with them. In the end I wasn’t able to control my thoughts or body anymore and I ended up seeing the university counsellor which really helped put things into perspective for me. The reality was I didn’t feel safe or happy at that point in my life so I made the decision to drop out. A decision I still stand by. Yet here I am three years later and going into my second year of university and experiencing the type of university experience people constantly rave on about. 

I know it can be a traumatic experience for so many but I want to stress that you are not alone. There are so many people who are going through the same emotions. Try to involve yourself with societies at university and get social during Freshers week. I wrote on a Facebook page after drinking a bottle of wine to ask if anyone wanted to hang out, no shame. Guess what happened? Somebody came up to my flat and hung out with me, and this is because everybody is in the same boat at university. There are so many people who come from all over the world and country to study in London and I can guarantee that the majority of people know nobody here either. Try to keep that in mind when you’re feeling out of your depth.

If you’re an international student, starting a new phase in life far from home it can be just as daunting. Don’t be afraid to make friends, start with flatmates and then slowly start socialising during freshers week. Everybody in university, especially first years are all looking to fit in just like you. 

If you do struggle like I have and have serious issues with anxiety or paranoia, please don’t be ashamed of it. You are on your own after all and it is so important to understand when you need help. Your university will have great tutors in every course so, if you’re feeling under the weather, homesick or crazy overwhelmed, contact them. They are there to help and make university easier for you, trust me. 

If you’re feeling like you need to talk to someone with more experience, every campus has a nurse and a student advice team. You can talk to a counsellor if you want confidentiality.

You can call Samaritans who are available 24/7 on 116 123.

Remember that sometimes you cannot do it all on your own. There is help. In the form of your friends, your professors, your student's union, university and even your family. Put your mental health first and enjoy your time at the university without compromising on your happiness. Talk about your problems and there is a very good chance you'll sort it out a lot faster than you would by yourself. 

This piece originally featured as an article on 'The QH'; University of Westminster's newspaper. 

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Taking care of your mental health when you start university

Ursula (stitchedwords.wordpress.com) talks about how starting university can be daunting, but offers tips and advice on how to overcome some of those anxieties and fears. 

-Ursula

1 in 4 of us will struggle with mental health at some point in our lives. This may include feelings of anxiety, addiction, obsession, phobia, depression, bipolar disorder, or an eating disorder. A recent study by Sussex Student Union has uncovered at least 42.2% of students started university with a mental health problem, meaning the remaining 26% of students developed a problem whilst or before joining university.

It’s that time of year again; universities all over the UK are about to open their pearly white Higher Education gates. It’s a bittersweet challenge for all involved, especially if you have a mental health issue. You may be feeling excitement as well as that deepening anxiety within the pits of your stomach.

Whilst the majority of ‘freshers’ are already planning their boozy nightlife Freshers week schedule and hoping that they will like their new housemates, those with mental health problems will be swamped with a multitude of other, more concerning questions. From ‘will my housemates think I’m weird if I tell them about my mental health,’ to ‘what if this all gets too much and I really struggle?’.

I was in a similar place before I began my journey to University. I remember being so excited for the new experience, flying the nest and being in a new city with new people. However, on the other end of the spectrum began the thoughts of ‘Is this for me? What if my new housemates think I’m weird? I know I struggle sometimes, will I have anyone to turn to?’. I was about to embark on a fashion course; the pressure to be pretty and look good was daunting.

Before starting University, nobody knew about my mental health other than myself. I faced frequent anxiety and panic attacks when things got too much. I already feared friends and family discovering this, so I revelled in the idea of starting somewhere new, a fresh start where no worries existed.

When we take that initial step into our university venture, nobody tells us that we’ll have days where we’ll feel homesick; days where we simply don’t want to go get out of bed, or days where we realise we miss our mum’s nagging, cooking, cleaning and general mum-like things, and it’s throwing mental health in the mix that makes all this 10x harder.

Instead we’re fed stories about how crazy nights out are – never about the horrid hangovers, or rubbish feeling you have when it hits home that you’ve spent your entire loan on drinks, taxis, and fast-food. What they forget to tell you are the truths and reality of University life – beyond the cloud of being the social bee and party animal; it’s a big transition, the move away from home and adjusting to a new lifestyle.

Talk that talk.

It can be a struggle to realise there are various support systems which we can turn to when we’re having that day, week or month from hell. But help is a simple courageous step away, and it’s important to remember you aren’t alone. There are various NHS and university services available to support your student lifestyle and overall well-being.

The NHS offer a variety of treatments, as well as counselling therapies such as: talking treatments (formerly known as counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)). These services are where individuals are given a safe confidential space where they can talk freely about anything that may be troubling them.

Most institutions offer some form of mental health support, and the process is pretty simple too; you’re initially referred to an advisor, who will then ask you basic questions about the thoughts and feelings which are troubling you; and what you hope to achieve from your sessions. From there you will be put on a waiting list for the opportunity to talk to a trained counsellor.

It is tough juggling mental health and university, however seeking help from tutors, counsellors, or even doctors can really help to balance out the struggle. By accessing your own universities help, you may be entitled to extensions for assignments and even extra time during exam periods! 

Further, it’s not only mental health charities who offer support. Friends and families are often the best support we can receive, for they know us best. It’s important to not isolate yourself, you don’t have to go through this alone.

Set goals.

Setting goals for yourself can be a minefield when you are mid-slump. Remember to be flexible and patient, not everything always goes to plan. Mental health charity ‘Rethink’ have put together an easy way to remember to be flexible and patient when thinking of what you want to achieve: be Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Time limited (SMART). 

And finally…

Remember that it gets better. It’s so cliché; three years ago, when people would tell me that I would be okay, I thought it was it was so far-fetched. It was embedded within me that it would not get better. This doesn’t mean that I don’t still have my days where the weight of the world gets too much, and days where I’ll have bags of anxiety which makes me not want to leave home, but I always think ‘this too shall pass’.

To all those who are about to start their University journey, good luck! 

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How I Overcame Depression and Discovered My Talents

Mary writes about how she solved the cause of her depression during her university studies and how that helped to define her talents.

- Mary Kleim

You know those people who choose the wrong major at college and have bitter regrets? Well, I’m one of them. I couldn’t bear the pressure of the choice, so I just decided to make my parents happy. They were happy all right, but I got depressed.

I found the strength to get through that period of my life. It wasn’t easy, but I made it through, and I want to tell you something: depression has a purpose. It’s meant to make you aware. When you’re in a bad place because of your own choices, your sub consciousness finds ways to hit you right in the face. Once I realised that was where my depression was coming from, I started digging deep enough to find out exactly what I wanted to do.

My parents have always expected too much from me. My father is a gambler, who brought the entire family into one disaster after another. My mother is a nurse. She faces the struggles of other people every single day, so I understand why she’s so frustrated when she gets home.

Me… I was always the perfect child. I was the light in their lives. I always did great at school. I was smart, well-mannered, humble, and kind.

My mother always told me: “You’re the one who’ll get us back up. You’re the only hope I have. You’re everything to me.” If I got a B at school, she was disappointed.

The expectations increased when I went to college. Since all I ever did was with the purpose of making my parents happy, I didn’t know what I wanted. My own feelings and desires were buried so deeply that I couldn’t recognize them anymore.

When it came down to choosing a major, I faced the greatest challenge in my life. I knew this decision was going to trace my future. I had no idea what I wanted, so I chose what my parents expected: business management. That’s where the money was. Since my family was always in financial struggles, they wished a life full of luxury for me.

I got very depressed during my first year at college. I didn’t want to make friends. I was always alone, unwilling to discover the city, unwilling to go to parties, unwilling to do anything. When my parents asked how everything was, I lied.

At one point, I got so low that there was no other way to go but to pull myself up. I had a really nice roommate who understood what I was going through. She’s the most compassionate, intuitive, and kind person I know. She suggested a method: “If you don’t know what you feel, write. Your thoughts get clearer when you put them on paper.”

I began to write a private online diary. The process was meditative: I used to stare at the blank page for a minute, and then words just started pouring out. I felt like I was revealing my soul to that diary… layer by layer.

My mind got more focused throughout the writing process, and my feelings got clearer. Now, I was the one who was disappointed. I realised that from then on, it was time to start making my own choices.

After a long time of consideration, I decided to stick with that major, but I found a way to combine it with something I loved: writing. Now, I have my own online writing business and it’s doing great.

The period of depression is behind me now, but the experience serves as a reminder that I’m my own person, responsible for my own choices and actions. I don’t know where the future will take me, but I find relief in the fact that I’m the one who’s building it.

For more information on finding support with depression, click here.         

For more information on how to support a friend going through depression, click here.

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Noticing depression: When the things that are supposed to feel good, don’t.

Bethany writes about noticing the difference between the symptoms of depression and general sadness, and what this means for someone's mental health.

- Bethany Lipka

I had a friend recently ask me how a person can identify the difference between temporary sadness - or feeling blue - and depression. He was going through a rough time after a breakup and feeling low, and wondering if his mood state was possibly reactive depression. 

I told him that if he is noticing that day after day the things that are supposed to feel good don’t, he should probably give his doctor a call. 

This is the one symptom of depression that to me seems to be common to all sufferers, no matter their variation of the illness: that we lose the ability to experience joy. And after a few joyless days, or weeks, or months, it can become very easy to forget what it even feels like. 

This is probably the most tragic symptom of depression, because of what it takes from us. Days that should be filled with meaning and positive feelings, end up being vacant and unbearable. I was depressed for the months surrounding my wedding, and so much of what should have been the most exciting time of my life was shrouded by my illness. I didn’t even make it to my rehearsal dinner; I was curled up in a ball under a pile of blankets in my bedroom the dark, trying to muster up the energy I would need for my wedding day. 

Since starting treatment for my bipolar II disorder, depression has stolen fewer and fewer days from me. But there are still times when things in my life that are supposed to feel good, don’t. And that’s the difference between sadness and depression, that’s when I know I need to see my doctor and re-evaluate my treatment plan. Because when I’m sad, I can pick up a guitar, or play with my dog, or go for a walk in the park and feel better – at least a little. When I’m depressed, none of those things bring me any enjoyment. 

So if you are on the fence about getting help for mood symptoms, and you aren’t sure if what you are experiencing is depression or just ‘feeling down’, the joy test is a good metric. Ask yourself: when was the last time I really enjoyed something (a good cup of coffee, a book, a meal with a friend), or had fun? If you can’t remember, and if all your recent memories are of painfully monotonous days, you probably want to make an appointment with your doctor. 

For more information on finding support with mental health, click here.

For more information on supporting a friend going through mental health issues, click here.

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We all need a helping hand sometimes: Having trust and loyalty through recovery

Chloe writes about how she and her boyfriend overcame her past of anorexia as she entered recovery with his trust and loyalty.

- Chloe Murray

My boyfriend is the most amazing person in the world. He's kind, loyal, trustworthy and understanding. I know I can tell him anything and trust that he will give the best advice or reassurance. His name is Elliot, and he has helped me in so many ways, yet he doesn't even realise.

I opened up to Elliot about my past with anorexia shortly after we starting seeing each other. At the time, I was still struggling with eating and my feelings. I felt guilty after food and I exercised because I had to, not because I wanted to. I was healthy physically, but not mentally. I figured Elliot would see through my picky eating habits and guess something wasn't quite right, so I told him before he did. Like a lot of people do, I was worried he'd judge me because of it. I didn't want to grow any more attached to him, only for Elliot to find out that I was a recovering anorexic to be a huge deal breaker. I was protecting myself more than anything, despite finding it extremely difficult to talk about my past. It was the first time I had talked about my eating disorder, apart from during my hospital stays.

To my surprise, Elliot didn't bat an eyelid when he found out. To him, it wasn't a big deal, he loved me none the less and thankfully he didn't ask difficult questions either. He was just so very understanding, and it didn't change anything between us like I feared it would. He didn't judge me at all, but I could sense his support. He'd always make sure I was happy with what he was cooking, asked me how I was and held my hand when he saw that I was struggling.

Elliot made things easier. Overtime, I became more comfortable opening up to him. He could read me like a book. There'd be nights when I couldn't sleep because I felt guilty or fat, and he'd always say something to comfort me and make everything better. Sometimes, all I needed to know was that he was on my side and that he loved me, something that anorexia tried to convince me wasn't possible - making me feel as though I was "too fat to be loved". But overtime, I realised that Elliot really did love me, and he chose to, not like family who have to. That made a big difference in my recovery, as I began to learn to love myself and look after myself. I began to enjoy exercising again and my diet began to vary. I started enjoying meals out instead of panicking beforehand. I had more energy and I was happier! 

Having someone there for you is so extremely important - knowing you are loved and that you matter. We all need someone to turn to for help and guidance. I now believe that I am no long recovering from anorexia - I am recovered. I am no longer controlled by silly rituals, numbers, weights and boring routines. Through not just Elliot, but all my family and friends who have supported me, I can proudly say, I am free - I am no longer anorexia, I am just me!

For more support on understanding eating disorders, click here.

For more information on how to support a friend going through mental health issues, click here.

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